The End of an Era

"At least we tried to make it."
- Tapes N Tapes "The Iliad"

This entry has been hard for me to get up the motivation to write. Everything here is fail. I completely hate the psychos I live with. Outback never called me back. I'm out of money. I'm stuck out in the middle of nowhere without a car. Basically everything that could go wrong has gone wrong.

I hate failing. I really wanted to make a go of it here, but I just don't think it's in the cards for me right now. With the economy and everything, it's even more difficult than it would be normally. So, I find myself heading back to Seattle. In ignominy. It's been two weeks. Didn't even get to 10 blog entries. It's just all been worst case scenario.

Going back to Seattle will be good though, I think. I've gained alot of knowledge and understanding from being down there. Even though I couldn't cut it down here right now, I still feel just as dedicated to screenwriting as I did when I arrived. That hasn't waivered.

I really just want to save up, get a car, and then I feel like I'll have alot more flexibility in the urban sprawl that is LA. It's all certianly an uphill battle, but I feel like that will go along way into making it manageable.

I want to write another play. About what I'm not quite sure yet, although I have some ideas. I just feel like it's been really on my mind recently, and would be a good thing to write, that I can actually see reach it's fruition, unlike the movie scripts that sit on my hard drive.

I want to write more TV. Brian seems all about the Sitcom Pilots right now. That could all change tomorrow, but it's something that I enjoy and feel like I could do successfully, so I'm going to write more episodes of Wet City Wash, and try my hands at a couple other Pilots.

And I want to finish Is This Thing On? I've had more ideas about that recently, and I feel like it's starting to come along.

All in all, I feel insipired, energized, and reinvigorated, and I want to really buckle down and focus on what's important to me and get things done.

Jai Ho!

The First Night

Isn't going so well. I feel really sad. I miss people that I know. But I am loving the weather, but that's about it. Ben picked me up from the Airport and gave me a little driving tour of the city. He also managed to lock his keys in his apartment when we stopped by there, so we killed some time at the Farmer's Market until his roommate got back. The LA Farmer's Market isn't too bad. There are a couple cool open air bars, which obviously cannot exist in Seattle, but it definitely wasn't as cool as Pike's Place Market. Things were going ok until I arrived at my place.

I should have expected that it couldn't have been all that great, but I didn't. It's out in the middle of nowhere. Well, not NOWHERE, but certainly nowhere near the city. It's hard because we went from Ben's place which is right in the heart of everything, to my place, which is like twenty minute drive north of the city stuck in total suburbia. The house smells funny, the "Manager" seems totally sketchy to me, and no one in the house seems that nice. I'm sharing a bedroom with 8 other guys. I knew about the shared sleeping arrangement, I guess I just didn't know it would be this bad. We'll see how things look tomorrow, but right now I am definitely eager to get out of here, but that just puts my job and living situation in jeopardy again, which just stresses me out more. Two steps forward, three steps back.

I'm sure alot of it is just transition and change and being overwhelmed and all of those things, but I'm definitely second guessing myself a bit. Ugh. Anyway. Hopefully things will look better tomorrow. It will be good to have Brian around. Even if it is just for a week.

The March of Time

Halts for no one.

And as such, the time draws nearer. Less than three weeks now. I feel like things are slowly starting to fall into place. I feel really good about what I'm doing and have an inner peace about the whole thing. Whether this is actually a good sign or just too many pheramones floating around in my blood stream is really hard to say. But it's certainly better than worrying myself sick, like I was doing.

I started looking for jobs on Craigslist. I'm not saying LA is the land of opportunity and the streets are paved with gold, but I must say I'm very excited by what I've seen. Lots of Server jobs, let alone the whole acting/film crew aspect which I would be interested in getting into.

I just think things are gonna be ok. Faith manages. As they say.

I've been soaking up all the Wes Anderson I can get my hands on. Beau bought me Rushmore, The Royal Tenenbaums, and Life Aquatic for my birthday. I've watched them all and plan on repeating the viewing. I just can't get enough. West Anderson you are my idol.

If I can accomplish half as much as him I'll be happy beyond my wildest dreams. Hats off.

Everybody get on board the Hope Train, it's getting ready to leave the station.

Sharpen your teeth or lay flat.

I'm currently working overtime on an ulcer. I'm about as stressed as stressed can be. I'm looking around this apartment and seeing alot of work to be done. It's hard to distinguish because alot of the stuff here isn't even mine, but just the fact that it's here, is stressing me out.

Watching CNN constantly hasn't really done me much good either. All this economic worry is really starting to freak me out. I have no idea how I'm going to find a job down there. And somehow manage to magically find and pay for a place in two weeks. I feel like I might be biting off more than I can chew.

But conversely I also wish I was just leaving tomorrow. I feel like it's the place I should be and I feel like I might have run my course here, at least for a time. It's hard to distinguish fear of change and fear of failure from actual reasoned reservation.

It is true that the way I plan on approaching my move, the fear of complete failure is pretty minimal. I go down there for two weeks, can't find a job, can't find a place to live, make no progress, spend my tax return, and come home with my tail tucked between my legs. That's not really the end of the world. But I'm also left thinking if maybe that $1400 refund might be better spent on paying down my modest credit card debt, or fixing my tooth, although that sounds boring and awful.

Basically, I'm a complete wreck. My course has been set and I don't plan on wavering from it, but that doesn't mean I won't be sweating bullets the entire time. Who needs a smoke, huh?