The End of an Era

"At least we tried to make it."
- Tapes N Tapes "The Iliad"

This entry has been hard for me to get up the motivation to write. Everything here is fail. I completely hate the psychos I live with. Outback never called me back. I'm out of money. I'm stuck out in the middle of nowhere without a car. Basically everything that could go wrong has gone wrong.

I hate failing. I really wanted to make a go of it here, but I just don't think it's in the cards for me right now. With the economy and everything, it's even more difficult than it would be normally. So, I find myself heading back to Seattle. In ignominy. It's been two weeks. Didn't even get to 10 blog entries. It's just all been worst case scenario.

Going back to Seattle will be good though, I think. I've gained alot of knowledge and understanding from being down there. Even though I couldn't cut it down here right now, I still feel just as dedicated to screenwriting as I did when I arrived. That hasn't waivered.

I really just want to save up, get a car, and then I feel like I'll have alot more flexibility in the urban sprawl that is LA. It's all certianly an uphill battle, but I feel like that will go along way into making it manageable.

I want to write another play. About what I'm not quite sure yet, although I have some ideas. I just feel like it's been really on my mind recently, and would be a good thing to write, that I can actually see reach it's fruition, unlike the movie scripts that sit on my hard drive.

I want to write more TV. Brian seems all about the Sitcom Pilots right now. That could all change tomorrow, but it's something that I enjoy and feel like I could do successfully, so I'm going to write more episodes of Wet City Wash, and try my hands at a couple other Pilots.

And I want to finish Is This Thing On? I've had more ideas about that recently, and I feel like it's starting to come along.

All in all, I feel insipired, energized, and reinvigorated, and I want to really buckle down and focus on what's important to me and get things done.

Jai Ho!

Jiggsaws Falling Into Place

I realized in the shower today (where most of my good ideas originate) that I hadn't updated in a couple days since my rather grim post on my first night. Things are slowly progressing here. I'm getting to know a couple of the guys here, and getting a little more settled.

There's quite a cast of characters who live here. Alot of them are pretty cool. Played a rousing game of Spades last night with a few of them. I went to a cool bar/club in West Hollywood called The Abbey. It's certainly not like places in Seattle. Four bars in this place, open air seating, it was pretty cool. Oh, it's also a gay bar. We tried to get into a couple other places, but of course you have to be too cool for school to get into half of these places, and I am morally against paying cover, but it was a fun little introduction into LA Night Life.

Saturday was a bit more rough. I had a really bad headache all day, that was only made worse by choosing that day to give up caffeine. Not a good idea. I've seen the error of my ways. I'm back chasing the dragon.

Yesterday was pretty low key, just kinda hung out. Got to know a couple of the guys a bit more. I feel like putting descriptions of some of them here, but I feel like they wouldn't do them justice, and sound more like labeling than describing.

I went into the Outback today to apply for a job. They are really snobby at this place. I feel more like I'm applying for a heart transplant than a job. But, I think my experience speaks for itself, and I'm fairly confident I'm going to get something, whatever that might be. I told the boss man that I planned on walking to work, he looked at me like I was crazy. It's only a half hour walk. Less than that if I try to book it. People here are so against walking. I will admit that everything here is sprawled out all over the place, and getting downtown is a pain, and I would love to have a car, but for the time being, I'm sticking with my feet. They've done right by me, and I plan on sticking with it. It's only two miles. That's like nothing. But anyway, it's certainly a different way of life.

When I got back from my interview, I jumped in the pool for the first time today. It's hot out, but the pool is freezing! It was refreshing though.

I must admit that I do really like it here. The weather, the atmosphere. Admittadly I live in Suburbia Central, but I love how the air smells like honeysuckle right now, and the palm trees are definitely a nice change. I hear it's snowy and freezing in Seattle right now. I'll take this weather every day of the week.

I still very much miss people and places in Seattle, and there's still an outside chance that if this job doesn't work out, I might find myself on a slow boat back to the Northwest, but I'm gonna give it the best shot I got out here, and I'm hoping that things continue to progress for me.

I did a little writing on Sunday, which felt good. I really want to buckle down and focus on my writing, but I think that getting settled in takes priority at the moment, but it's good to know that I still got it. At least in my own mind. Which is where it matters most at the moment. We can work on the Studio Execs later.

Brian got into town on Friday. I'm gonna get a lift into Hollywood this evening and we're gonna meet up. It will be good to see a familiar face in a strange place.

I've been really good about eating in. I went to the Grocery store on Friday and bought a bunch of supplies that I've been living off of, although my Dora The Explorer Saves the Snow Princess Fruit snacks are almost gone. Crisis mode. I think I've already lost a little weight. I'm sure not eating out two meals a day has to be good for me. Speaking of food, I think I'll go make myself a sandwich. Wish you were here.

The First Night

Isn't going so well. I feel really sad. I miss people that I know. But I am loving the weather, but that's about it. Ben picked me up from the Airport and gave me a little driving tour of the city. He also managed to lock his keys in his apartment when we stopped by there, so we killed some time at the Farmer's Market until his roommate got back. The LA Farmer's Market isn't too bad. There are a couple cool open air bars, which obviously cannot exist in Seattle, but it definitely wasn't as cool as Pike's Place Market. Things were going ok until I arrived at my place.

I should have expected that it couldn't have been all that great, but I didn't. It's out in the middle of nowhere. Well, not NOWHERE, but certainly nowhere near the city. It's hard because we went from Ben's place which is right in the heart of everything, to my place, which is like twenty minute drive north of the city stuck in total suburbia. The house smells funny, the "Manager" seems totally sketchy to me, and no one in the house seems that nice. I'm sharing a bedroom with 8 other guys. I knew about the shared sleeping arrangement, I guess I just didn't know it would be this bad. We'll see how things look tomorrow, but right now I am definitely eager to get out of here, but that just puts my job and living situation in jeopardy again, which just stresses me out more. Two steps forward, three steps back.

I'm sure alot of it is just transition and change and being overwhelmed and all of those things, but I'm definitely second guessing myself a bit. Ugh. Anyway. Hopefully things will look better tomorrow. It will be good to have Brian around. Even if it is just for a week.

Fistful of Steel

I'm down to my last fistful of days here in Seattle. It's all getting pretty surreal. As the sand in the hourglass slips away, it's getting harder and harder, saying good bye to people, places, things. I've spent all my life wandering from place to place and pulling up stakes more times than I can count, but I have let myself become pretty settled here. I've built a little bit of a life, and now I'm leaving that behind. And it's more than a little disconcerting. I try to remind myself that what I'm going to is definitely worth making some waves, and that with time I can create just as much of a life there as I have here. But some things can't be replaced, and I'm not one to leave things unfinished.

Enough gloomy outlook, though. Things do seem to be aligning for me down in LA. I've found a place to stay in Northridge, CA. It's a dorm style room in a house, which means shared sleeping quarters, but for the price I'm getting it at and the amenities provided, it's definitely worth it. It will help me lead the monk-like lifestyle I want to adopt, at least for awhile, in an effort to really try to focus in on my writing and myself, as myself is pretty much all I'm going to have down there. There is a pool, so I definitely plan on spending alot of time poolside. Ow ow!

Tonight is my last night of work at Outback. The place I found in LA is actually really close to an Outback, so I'm going to try to transfer down there, which would be nice to have a job off the bat, but I'm sure I'll need to work more than that to make rent and get by, but emailing resumes before I got down there didn't do much. I think I just need to familiarize myself with my area, and start looking for jobs in the area.

Speaking of work, I best be off. I hope to get my digital camera fixed so that I can get some pictures in of my new home. Head South!

The March of Time

Halts for no one.

And as such, the time draws nearer. Less than three weeks now. I feel like things are slowly starting to fall into place. I feel really good about what I'm doing and have an inner peace about the whole thing. Whether this is actually a good sign or just too many pheramones floating around in my blood stream is really hard to say. But it's certainly better than worrying myself sick, like I was doing.

I started looking for jobs on Craigslist. I'm not saying LA is the land of opportunity and the streets are paved with gold, but I must say I'm very excited by what I've seen. Lots of Server jobs, let alone the whole acting/film crew aspect which I would be interested in getting into.

I just think things are gonna be ok. Faith manages. As they say.

I've been soaking up all the Wes Anderson I can get my hands on. Beau bought me Rushmore, The Royal Tenenbaums, and Life Aquatic for my birthday. I've watched them all and plan on repeating the viewing. I just can't get enough. West Anderson you are my idol.

If I can accomplish half as much as him I'll be happy beyond my wildest dreams. Hats off.

Everybody get on board the Hope Train, it's getting ready to leave the station.

I'm taking the path of least resistance.

When it rains it pours.

Or snows. As was the case today. Can't wait for some sunny skies and warm temperatures. I thrive in such conditions.

"And sold out for the shade of the palm tree scene."

Beau invited me to go to Landmark Forum tonight. It was definitely interesting. I can't really do the program justice, so I won't attempt to try, but in a nutshell ("Help, help, I'm in a giant nutshell. What kind of shell could have a nut this big?") It's basically a self help program that teaches you to break the mold/cycle of interactions with people, and open up new possibilities for yourself, by thinking outside of the box, and realizing your dreams. Basically.

Beau went and invited me on the last night, which is how they recruit new members. The class itself is $400, which seems entirely ridiculous to me, especially considering there were easily 100 people there, if not more, even in these tight economic times. They say it normally costs $500 but that they've cut the cost right now, but apparently $400 is normally the cost, and they just always say that.

Without trying to sound like a total douche who thinks he's better than everyone else, I felt I was slightly ahead of the game as someone who's in the process of trying to actually realize their dreams, compared to someone mired in self doubt, unable to get out of the gate, whether I'm completely scared shitless or not.

But, since I got to sit in on the whole pitch/song and dance routine, I did get one thing out of it, and I didn't have to pay a dime. I shouldn't be giving myself an ulcer over finding a job/finding a place/making a life for myself in LA. I'm going to get down there, I'm going to try to make it happen, I'm either going to make it, or I won't. I'm gonna try my damndest. The rest is out of my control. Stressing about it won't do myself any good. I will tend to what I can tend to and the rest will take care of itself.

It's funny because The Shaft is entirely about living in the moment and not worrying about things beyond your control, but yet I still find myself falling into the trap more often than not. That's probably why I wrote it. As an eternal reminder to myself. I should just post the script as my wallpaper in my new room. Pretencious? Quite possibly. But if I'm doing myself good who can argue? Other than everyone.

Anyway, I do think that there are alot of people who might greatly benefit from the full Landmark Education song and dance routine. I'm certainly not about to say that I couldn't at all benefit from it, but I feel like I'm a little further along the path than alot of people, and I certainly don't have $400 to shell out to anyone, let alone a self help guru.

But everyone was quite nice, and Beau seems to have benefit alot from it, so more power to them and theirs. As for me, it's time to turn the page on the day and walk away. My sights are set. My goals are in sight. It's up to me and a little juice from The Man Upstairs to make them happen, and I'm gonna do everything in my power to make sure that is the case. Time to kick it into high gear. Wagons, Ho!

Sharpen your teeth or lay flat.

I'm currently working overtime on an ulcer. I'm about as stressed as stressed can be. I'm looking around this apartment and seeing alot of work to be done. It's hard to distinguish because alot of the stuff here isn't even mine, but just the fact that it's here, is stressing me out.

Watching CNN constantly hasn't really done me much good either. All this economic worry is really starting to freak me out. I have no idea how I'm going to find a job down there. And somehow manage to magically find and pay for a place in two weeks. I feel like I might be biting off more than I can chew.

But conversely I also wish I was just leaving tomorrow. I feel like it's the place I should be and I feel like I might have run my course here, at least for a time. It's hard to distinguish fear of change and fear of failure from actual reasoned reservation.

It is true that the way I plan on approaching my move, the fear of complete failure is pretty minimal. I go down there for two weeks, can't find a job, can't find a place to live, make no progress, spend my tax return, and come home with my tail tucked between my legs. That's not really the end of the world. But I'm also left thinking if maybe that $1400 refund might be better spent on paying down my modest credit card debt, or fixing my tooth, although that sounds boring and awful.

Basically, I'm a complete wreck. My course has been set and I don't plan on wavering from it, but that doesn't mean I won't be sweating bullets the entire time. Who needs a smoke, huh?