"At least we tried to make it."
- Tapes N Tapes "The Iliad"
This entry has been hard for me to get up the motivation to write. Everything here is fail. I completely hate the psychos I live with. Outback never called me back. I'm out of money. I'm stuck out in the middle of nowhere without a car. Basically everything that could go wrong has gone wrong.
I hate failing. I really wanted to make a go of it here, but I just don't think it's in the cards for me right now. With the economy and everything, it's even more difficult than it would be normally. So, I find myself heading back to Seattle. In ignominy. It's been two weeks. Didn't even get to 10 blog entries. It's just all been worst case scenario.
Going back to Seattle will be good though, I think. I've gained alot of knowledge and understanding from being down there. Even though I couldn't cut it down here right now, I still feel just as dedicated to screenwriting as I did when I arrived. That hasn't waivered.
I really just want to save up, get a car, and then I feel like I'll have alot more flexibility in the urban sprawl that is LA. It's all certianly an uphill battle, but I feel like that will go along way into making it manageable.
I want to write another play. About what I'm not quite sure yet, although I have some ideas. I just feel like it's been really on my mind recently, and would be a good thing to write, that I can actually see reach it's fruition, unlike the movie scripts that sit on my hard drive.
I want to write more TV. Brian seems all about the Sitcom Pilots right now. That could all change tomorrow, but it's something that I enjoy and feel like I could do successfully, so I'm going to write more episodes of Wet City Wash, and try my hands at a couple other Pilots.
And I want to finish Is This Thing On? I've had more ideas about that recently, and I feel like it's starting to come along.
All in all, I feel insipired, energized, and reinvigorated, and I want to really buckle down and focus on what's important to me and get things done.
Jai Ho!
Showing posts with label Fears. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Fears. Show all posts
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Friday, March 13, 2009
The First Night
Isn't going so well. I feel really sad. I miss people that I know. But I am loving the weather, but that's about it. Ben picked me up from the Airport and gave me a little driving tour of the city. He also managed to lock his keys in his apartment when we stopped by there, so we killed some time at the Farmer's Market until his roommate got back. The LA Farmer's Market isn't too bad. There are a couple cool open air bars, which obviously cannot exist in Seattle, but it definitely wasn't as cool as Pike's Place Market. Things were going ok until I arrived at my place.
I should have expected that it couldn't have been all that great, but I didn't. It's out in the middle of nowhere. Well, not NOWHERE, but certainly nowhere near the city. It's hard because we went from Ben's place which is right in the heart of everything, to my place, which is like twenty minute drive north of the city stuck in total suburbia. The house smells funny, the "Manager" seems totally sketchy to me, and no one in the house seems that nice. I'm sharing a bedroom with 8 other guys. I knew about the shared sleeping arrangement, I guess I just didn't know it would be this bad. We'll see how things look tomorrow, but right now I am definitely eager to get out of here, but that just puts my job and living situation in jeopardy again, which just stresses me out more. Two steps forward, three steps back.
I'm sure alot of it is just transition and change and being overwhelmed and all of those things, but I'm definitely second guessing myself a bit. Ugh. Anyway. Hopefully things will look better tomorrow. It will be good to have Brian around. Even if it is just for a week.
I should have expected that it couldn't have been all that great, but I didn't. It's out in the middle of nowhere. Well, not NOWHERE, but certainly nowhere near the city. It's hard because we went from Ben's place which is right in the heart of everything, to my place, which is like twenty minute drive north of the city stuck in total suburbia. The house smells funny, the "Manager" seems totally sketchy to me, and no one in the house seems that nice. I'm sharing a bedroom with 8 other guys. I knew about the shared sleeping arrangement, I guess I just didn't know it would be this bad. We'll see how things look tomorrow, but right now I am definitely eager to get out of here, but that just puts my job and living situation in jeopardy again, which just stresses me out more. Two steps forward, three steps back.
I'm sure alot of it is just transition and change and being overwhelmed and all of those things, but I'm definitely second guessing myself a bit. Ugh. Anyway. Hopefully things will look better tomorrow. It will be good to have Brian around. Even if it is just for a week.
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
I'm taking the path of least resistance.
When it rains it pours.
Or snows. As was the case today. Can't wait for some sunny skies and warm temperatures. I thrive in such conditions.
"And sold out for the shade of the palm tree scene."
Beau invited me to go to Landmark Forum tonight. It was definitely interesting. I can't really do the program justice, so I won't attempt to try, but in a nutshell ("Help, help, I'm in a giant nutshell. What kind of shell could have a nut this big?") It's basically a self help program that teaches you to break the mold/cycle of interactions with people, and open up new possibilities for yourself, by thinking outside of the box, and realizing your dreams. Basically.
Beau went and invited me on the last night, which is how they recruit new members. The class itself is $400, which seems entirely ridiculous to me, especially considering there were easily 100 people there, if not more, even in these tight economic times. They say it normally costs $500 but that they've cut the cost right now, but apparently $400 is normally the cost, and they just always say that.
Without trying to sound like a total douche who thinks he's better than everyone else, I felt I was slightly ahead of the game as someone who's in the process of trying to actually realize their dreams, compared to someone mired in self doubt, unable to get out of the gate, whether I'm completely scared shitless or not.
But, since I got to sit in on the whole pitch/song and dance routine, I did get one thing out of it, and I didn't have to pay a dime. I shouldn't be giving myself an ulcer over finding a job/finding a place/making a life for myself in LA. I'm going to get down there, I'm going to try to make it happen, I'm either going to make it, or I won't. I'm gonna try my damndest. The rest is out of my control. Stressing about it won't do myself any good. I will tend to what I can tend to and the rest will take care of itself.
It's funny because The Shaft is entirely about living in the moment and not worrying about things beyond your control, but yet I still find myself falling into the trap more often than not. That's probably why I wrote it. As an eternal reminder to myself. I should just post the script as my wallpaper in my new room. Pretencious? Quite possibly. But if I'm doing myself good who can argue? Other than everyone.
Anyway, I do think that there are alot of people who might greatly benefit from the full Landmark Education song and dance routine. I'm certainly not about to say that I couldn't at all benefit from it, but I feel like I'm a little further along the path than alot of people, and I certainly don't have $400 to shell out to anyone, let alone a self help guru.
But everyone was quite nice, and Beau seems to have benefit alot from it, so more power to them and theirs. As for me, it's time to turn the page on the day and walk away. My sights are set. My goals are in sight. It's up to me and a little juice from The Man Upstairs to make them happen, and I'm gonna do everything in my power to make sure that is the case. Time to kick it into high gear. Wagons, Ho!
Or snows. As was the case today. Can't wait for some sunny skies and warm temperatures. I thrive in such conditions.
"And sold out for the shade of the palm tree scene."
Beau invited me to go to Landmark Forum tonight. It was definitely interesting. I can't really do the program justice, so I won't attempt to try, but in a nutshell ("Help, help, I'm in a giant nutshell. What kind of shell could have a nut this big?") It's basically a self help program that teaches you to break the mold/cycle of interactions with people, and open up new possibilities for yourself, by thinking outside of the box, and realizing your dreams. Basically.
Beau went and invited me on the last night, which is how they recruit new members. The class itself is $400, which seems entirely ridiculous to me, especially considering there were easily 100 people there, if not more, even in these tight economic times. They say it normally costs $500 but that they've cut the cost right now, but apparently $400 is normally the cost, and they just always say that.
Without trying to sound like a total douche who thinks he's better than everyone else, I felt I was slightly ahead of the game as someone who's in the process of trying to actually realize their dreams, compared to someone mired in self doubt, unable to get out of the gate, whether I'm completely scared shitless or not.
But, since I got to sit in on the whole pitch/song and dance routine, I did get one thing out of it, and I didn't have to pay a dime. I shouldn't be giving myself an ulcer over finding a job/finding a place/making a life for myself in LA. I'm going to get down there, I'm going to try to make it happen, I'm either going to make it, or I won't. I'm gonna try my damndest. The rest is out of my control. Stressing about it won't do myself any good. I will tend to what I can tend to and the rest will take care of itself.
It's funny because The Shaft is entirely about living in the moment and not worrying about things beyond your control, but yet I still find myself falling into the trap more often than not. That's probably why I wrote it. As an eternal reminder to myself. I should just post the script as my wallpaper in my new room. Pretencious? Quite possibly. But if I'm doing myself good who can argue? Other than everyone.
Anyway, I do think that there are alot of people who might greatly benefit from the full Landmark Education song and dance routine. I'm certainly not about to say that I couldn't at all benefit from it, but I feel like I'm a little further along the path than alot of people, and I certainly don't have $400 to shell out to anyone, let alone a self help guru.
But everyone was quite nice, and Beau seems to have benefit alot from it, so more power to them and theirs. As for me, it's time to turn the page on the day and walk away. My sights are set. My goals are in sight. It's up to me and a little juice from The Man Upstairs to make them happen, and I'm gonna do everything in my power to make sure that is the case. Time to kick it into high gear. Wagons, Ho!
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Sharpen your teeth or lay flat.
I'm currently working overtime on an ulcer. I'm about as stressed as stressed can be. I'm looking around this apartment and seeing alot of work to be done. It's hard to distinguish because alot of the stuff here isn't even mine, but just the fact that it's here, is stressing me out.
Watching CNN constantly hasn't really done me much good either. All this economic worry is really starting to freak me out. I have no idea how I'm going to find a job down there. And somehow manage to magically find and pay for a place in two weeks. I feel like I might be biting off more than I can chew.
But conversely I also wish I was just leaving tomorrow. I feel like it's the place I should be and I feel like I might have run my course here, at least for a time. It's hard to distinguish fear of change and fear of failure from actual reasoned reservation.
It is true that the way I plan on approaching my move, the fear of complete failure is pretty minimal. I go down there for two weeks, can't find a job, can't find a place to live, make no progress, spend my tax return, and come home with my tail tucked between my legs. That's not really the end of the world. But I'm also left thinking if maybe that $1400 refund might be better spent on paying down my modest credit card debt, or fixing my tooth, although that sounds boring and awful.
Basically, I'm a complete wreck. My course has been set and I don't plan on wavering from it, but that doesn't mean I won't be sweating bullets the entire time. Who needs a smoke, huh?
Watching CNN constantly hasn't really done me much good either. All this economic worry is really starting to freak me out. I have no idea how I'm going to find a job down there. And somehow manage to magically find and pay for a place in two weeks. I feel like I might be biting off more than I can chew.
But conversely I also wish I was just leaving tomorrow. I feel like it's the place I should be and I feel like I might have run my course here, at least for a time. It's hard to distinguish fear of change and fear of failure from actual reasoned reservation.
It is true that the way I plan on approaching my move, the fear of complete failure is pretty minimal. I go down there for two weeks, can't find a job, can't find a place to live, make no progress, spend my tax return, and come home with my tail tucked between my legs. That's not really the end of the world. But I'm also left thinking if maybe that $1400 refund might be better spent on paying down my modest credit card debt, or fixing my tooth, although that sounds boring and awful.
Basically, I'm a complete wreck. My course has been set and I don't plan on wavering from it, but that doesn't mean I won't be sweating bullets the entire time. Who needs a smoke, huh?
Saturday, January 24, 2009
The Preamble
To the prefunk before the breakdown.
I've been debating whether I wanted to make my LA Saga it's own blog or if I just wanted to incorporate it into my regular blog, but I feel like this is better. For what reason? Really no good reason. It's just enough of it's own entity that it deserves its own space. And with a great Modest Mouse song to serve as a theme song, how can you go wrong?
Except that someone stole my blog url in a blog that hasn't been updated since October. So sad.
Anyway, back to the task at hand. The die has been cast.
Check out where I'm going to be living!
View Larger Map
Riveting.
I know.
I'm super pumped. I'm also simultaneously terrified. Sink or swim basically. I can only hope that the signs that have been pointing me this direction keep up and that I can find a job and eek out the resemblance of a life. Possibly even eventually moving off of the air mattress into my own place. Or something that could be mistaken as such. But let's net get ahead of ourselves.
The spotlight falls...
On a dream.
I've been debating whether I wanted to make my LA Saga it's own blog or if I just wanted to incorporate it into my regular blog, but I feel like this is better. For what reason? Really no good reason. It's just enough of it's own entity that it deserves its own space. And with a great Modest Mouse song to serve as a theme song, how can you go wrong?
Except that someone stole my blog url in a blog that hasn't been updated since October. So sad.
Anyway, back to the task at hand. The die has been cast.
Check out where I'm going to be living!
View Larger Map
Riveting.
I know.
I'm super pumped. I'm also simultaneously terrified. Sink or swim basically. I can only hope that the signs that have been pointing me this direction keep up and that I can find a job and eek out the resemblance of a life. Possibly even eventually moving off of the air mattress into my own place. Or something that could be mistaken as such. But let's net get ahead of ourselves.
The spotlight falls...
On a dream.
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